There are lots of reasons you may not be on a first-name basis with your neighbors. Maybe you moved recently (or you moved at any time in the last four years, when people were understandably a bit more standoffish). Or maybe you just have a hard time initiating contact with people under any circumstances.
I’ve lived in my current home for 11 years, and have very few connections to show for it. It’s not that I don’t want to know my neighbors; I’m just excellent at awkwardly keeping to myself. How can I take baby steps to become more connected in my neighborhood and still stay comfy in my introverted bubble?
While some people are happy to invite the whole street to a dinner party or hand-deliver baked goods door to door, some of us will never ever be that outgoing. Here are a few neighborly strategies for the rest of us.
Go outside
The easiest way to get to know the people in your neighborhood is to exist in plain view! You can execute this step in a few ways.
Spend regular time in your front yard. Sit on the porch at the same time every day and eventually someone will say hello. If you feel weird just sitting there, pick up a hobby that you can do in your front yard, like reading, bird watching, or pretending to pull weeds while you drink a beer. Get to know the rhythms of the neighborhood, like when others seem to walk their dogs or also pretend to pull weeds.
Take a walk. Pretend you are on a surveillance mission to learn as much about the people around you as possible without being creepy or criminal. Repeat your walks, short or long, every day and see how quickly the intel piles up.
Try this for a week and just smile at anyone who makes eye contact. Maybe next week you can wave or say hello. Eventually you will be chatting, have an inside joke with someone, and maybe snag a few names and phone numbers.
Connect online
We are all more comfortable socializing with screens between us these days, right? Take advantage of that tendency and get active in your neighborhood's social media groups on Facebook or Nextdoor.
Sara Johnson, a neighborhood facilitator with the Hopeful Neighborhood Project, shared this script for introducing yourself to neighbors on social media: “Hello! I live on Sunflower Lane, and I’d love to get to know more people in our neighborhood. Comment below with your street name and your favorite thing about our neighborhood.”
Yes, it feels corny, but it’s a low risk way to get the ball running. You will at least find out who the local busybodies are, which helps with the next tip…
Connect with the neighborhood "connector"
You know, that one person who knows everyone and enthusiastically brings them all together? They will make the introductions, give you the scoop, and compensate for your natural introversion when it comes to making friends.
Attend neighborhood events
Don’t set yourself up for a panic attack by buying a ticket for the annual black-tie fundraiser. Look for community gatherings that you can drop into, chat a little, and leave the second you start sweating. Try a garage sale or library book sale. When there’s an activity going on, the focus won’t be on you, making it easier to casually interact with people. Try five minutes; if you have to bail, no one will notice.
Look for shared interests
If you are legitimately interested in gardening, you will spot the neighbors who are also into gardening. Ask them about their garden! Asking questions is the easiest way to connect because you are placing the focus on the other person. If you have a dog, talk to other dog people on your walks. If you have a kid, ask other parents about stuff to do with kids.
Acknowledge the awkwardness
If you tend to feel nervous in social situations, you probably know the relief that comes when another person admits they are nervous. It breaks the spell that makes you think everyone else is a cool kid and you're the only one being weird.
You can be the one to break the spell. It’s okay to acknowledge that you’ve lived in the neighborhood for a while without getting to know people. If social anxiety has tricked you into thinking your neighbors are judgmental or untrustworthy, challenge yourself to question those beliefs. Look for evidence that they are friendly—or that they haven’t been paying attention to you at all.
Throughout this process, don’t forget to practice self-compassion. It’s okay to take your time, and it’s never too late to start connecting. Building relationships is a slow process. If a year from now you enjoy the occasional chat with one person down the street, your effort was a success.
Why bother?
In case you need a few reminders for why it’s good to be friendly with your neighbors, here’s a few practical benefits of getting connected with your community:
Social opportunities. If you’re reading ways for introverts to get to know their neighbors, you may not have a high social need, but think of the children! Knowing and trusting your neighbors means a bigger pool of playmates for your kids—and someone nearby to reach out to if a real emergency comes up.
Increased security. Friendly neighbors are more likely to look out for one another, which enhances the security of your home and neighborhood. Let the couple next door know you are going on vacation and you won’t have to worry as much about porch bandits.
Access to local knowledge. Neighbors often have valuable local knowledge, such as recommendations for reliable service providers, upcoming events, or tips about the best places to shop, eat, or visit in the area.
Shared resources. Not to sound opportunistic, but say your neighbor has a truck and you need to haul a couch that won’t fit in your Prius. Are you going to rent a truck or offer to share your overflowing crop of cherry tomatoes for a lift?
Better neighborhood atmosphere. When neighbors are friendly, they’re more likely to participate in activities that benefit the whole community like creating a community garden. On a personal level, chatting to the dog-walkers on your street will make them less likely to leave canine deposits in your yard.
No one says you have to run out and exchange phone numbers with everyone on your block the minute you move in. By taking small steps to be more present and visible in the neighborhood, you can gradually grow your own community for more security, support, and fun.